Saying All the Things I Wished I Had Said When the Lights Go Out.
So many things have gone through my mind through the years... things I wished I would have said to Andrew... Things I wish I would have done. Sometimes, in the dark, I whisper all those things. I just could not leave them unsaid. So in the void of the night... I whisper... in hopes the wings of an angel will carry my words... my prayers... my thoughts... my regrets... to heaven. And somehow I hope my little boy has heard them all.
But regardless of whether Andrew has heard them, it helped me to release them. And I do know my Heavenly Father hears them all. He knows my heart. God knows the heaviness I often feel when I think of all that I did not get to say to my son. God has always been there to encourage me. And strangely enough I always feel better after I release my soul into the dark of the night.
I have experienced the death of a loved one when we knew the time was drawing near for their earthly departure. We had time to say the last "goodbyes", and to make all things good and right. But when we lost Andrew, it was so sudden. One minute we were talking and planning our evening, the next minute we were planning Andrew's funeral. I honestly can't say which was more difficult, for in the lingering for death, we hate seeing our loved ones suffer. But in the instant death, we long for another moment. Either way, it is hard. Either way, we are left wanting more time.
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:” Ephesians 4:26.
I have often thought about this verse, and even when I am upset or mad or just plain angry with a loved one, I have such a hard time going to sleep until I've at least made an attempt to make it right. I'm not sure why Paul said "let not the sun go down upon your wrath..." but for me... I can tell you that since we are not promised another 10 minutes in this life, I want to make sure I've tidied things up with my loved ones.
Spending nights wishing I had said something is not easy. But I have learned to find comfort in the night. I have learned to find solace for those unspoken words. I have learned to release them. So... what would I say to someone who is living the life with regrets:
1. Release the regret! Send to heaven all the regrets! God hears them, and He knows what to do with each one.
2. Remember the love you have for your loved one, and reminisce your happiest memories of him or her.
3. Forgive yourself. Forever your humanity. None of us are perfect, and we all live with those "I wish I had!" moments in life.
4. Never...ever... let your anger or regret go to bed with you! Get rid of it! Release it! Let it go!
5. Embrace the life you have left to live. Embrace your loved ones. Live every day so that when you lay your head on your pillow at night, you have no regrets.
I know that my Andrew knew I loved him. I know that he also knew his mama was not perfect. I can remember so many times he would make me feel so ashamed of something I had done or said to him. But at the same time, he would look at me and say, "It's alright, Mama. I love you!" The Good Lord knew what He was saying when He inspired the words of Peter "And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)
So many times, love has covered my imperfections with my children. Andrew loved me. He loved his mama. It did not matter that I was not perfect. And for that I am so thankful that our love was fervent for each other. Andrew's love covered my faults. And with that I can rest peacefully at night... when the lights go out.